For starters, getting a message from someone named Living Dead Girl Nicole is one hell of an attention-getter.

But there is one bright spot to all of this: the famous (or infamous, depending on who you talk with) Casa Bonita, a longtime family restaurant and tourist destination in Colorado, recently survived the wrecking ball and has been resurrected to thrive again.

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As the sun beamed through the window and instantly warmed my face, and the morning sounds of the jungle came to life, I slowly opened my eyes.

Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Americans, readers of COOL HAND FRANK: lend me your eyes if not your ears, your heart if not your mind.