CHF PICK: WHEN LOVING THE SEASON BECOMES A LITTLE UNHINGED

Photo: "Efflorescence" by Obscure Nonspecifics.

Fall is officially here, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been counting down to this moment since July. I could be swimming in the ocean in the middle of summer, having the time of my life, and still find myself wishing I were diving into a pile of leaves instead.

The other day I made a craft, thinking I could will autumn to arrive faster. The same way that chain coffee shops release their autumn menu in the middle of August while we are literally in the midst of a heat wave. (I know they do this for marketing purposes, but let’s stick with the narrative that it’s really for the people, giving us the chance to experience the best season ever as early as possible.)

I found the craft on Pinterest. It was one of those projects claiming to need only three materials and “five minutes!” Maybe it does take five minutes for someone less artistically challenged, but Pinterest should start adding disclaimers that five minutes is only true if you can cut everything perfectly on the first try and avoid burning yourself with the hot glue gun. My craft definitely needed that disclaimer.

I don’t feel as alone in my impatience when pumpkin menus start popping up mid-August. Some people roll their eyes at that (and honestly, they’re probably just normal.) But for the rest of us, what is our obsession with accelerating the season? Why do we romanticize a season until it can’t possibly live up to the hype? I don’t have the answer for that today, and this isn’t the philosophical deep dive you might’ve anticipated, so if you were hoping for a full analysis of your seasonal obsession, definitely get that checked out. What I do have, though, is a list that might help you figure out whether you’re guilty of overhyping fall, and what that could say about you.

Signs you’re too obsessed with fall

1. You keep buying pumpkins to decorate the house, even though there’s literally no space left on that mantel. (Looking at you, Mom.)

2. You’re turning everything pumpkin flavored, even homemade latte syrups, despite the fact that pumpkin purée never actually dissolves and just leaves sad chunks at the bottom. (I’m calling out myself here.)

3. You’re making multiple Trader Joe’s runs each week just to restock on Pumpkin Spice Chardonnay, which is, terrifyingly, a real product.

4. You’re currently sweating through a sweater and jeans, but you have to fit the aesthetic.

5. You’re genuinely nauseated by that pumpkin-apple-spice-nutmeg candle you bought, but you keep burning it anyway.

6. Bonus points if you blew the rest of your grocery budget on said candle.

What each says about you

1. The Pumpkin Purist: You’re a basic fall lover, clinging to pumpkins while the rest of us have leveled up to floating candles, as seen in “Harry Potter.”

2. The PSL Chemist: You’re dedicated enough to stomach pumpkin mixed with espresso, but you also might just be a terrible mixologist.

3. The Trader Joe’s Gladiator: You’re a risk-taker, subjecting your taste buds to pumpkin spice wine, and braving the anxiety-inducing chaos of a Trader Joe’s parking lot. Or maybe you just have way too much free time on your hands.

4. The Sweater Martyr: You’re committed to the aesthetic. But you’re either rich enough to crank your AC low enough to survive sweaters in 85-degree weather, or you just “don’t sweat.”

5. The Unwavering Loyalist: You’re too obsessed to admit your candle choice was terrible, so you burn it anyway. You’re also pretty bad with your money.

So, whether you’re sipping lumpy pumpkin lattes or sweating through sweaters in 85-degree heat, remember, it’s all part of the fall experience. And if you related to more than half this list, you might be just as unhinged about fall as I am. If not, congrats; you’re one of the normal ones. Just don’t confuse restraint with superiority.