COOL HAND FRANK’S OFFICIAL 2028 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY ANNOUNCEMENT
"Love You" by Séverine Rigaud at ELIKYA Art.
Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Americans, readers of COOL HAND FRANK: lend me your eyes if not your ears, your heart if not your mind.
We as a nation exited 2024 as if in a race against time and have entered 2025 as if in another race against time.
The holiday season, meant to be the most joyful time of the year, has become an overwhelming stress marathon. You spent late November through Christmas Day juggling one or more jobs—or worse, searching for one that pays enough to get by—while balancing holiday responsibilities piled on top of your everyday ones. All this, alongside insistent pressure to deliver joy to your family, loved ones, friends, acquaintances, strangers, and even yourself.
You emerged from the season exhausted rather than rejuvenated, drained by the relentless demands.
Then on January 2nd, society tells you to immediately jump back into work, set goals, and prepare taxes. And as the new year begins, your exhaustion only deepens, costing you your physical, mental, and emotional health. Is this the American Dream we were taught to strive for?
It’s time for a change. That’s why, on my birthday (thank you very much), I, COOL HAND FRANK, am officially announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in the 2028 election.
I have only one bold, practical platform that I am running on: to move Thanksgiving from the fourth Thursday in November to the second Thursday in November. By doing so, we transform our work-life balance and the holiday season by giving ourselves and our economy the gift of time—more time to celebrate, more time to prepare, and more time to enjoy the season while appreciating its deeper meaning.
This isn’t just a policy idea—it’s a response to real stories like Leigh’s, a salesperson for a small retail business specializing in custom luxury goods. The holiday season is their busiest time of year. She told me she worked 60-to-80-hour weeks in November and December. Her birthday was in December too. But with all the demands, all the pressure, and all the exhaustion, she now hated holidays—even her own birthday.
We cannot move Christmas Day from December 25th. As a global religious holiday, it is beyond the influence or control of the U.S. government. But we can move Thanksgiving Day—our national holiday that celebrates the unity of colonial pilgrims, immigrants, and Native Americans. This is within our government’s authority.
By moving Thanksgiving to the second Thursday in November, we preserve its integrity while giving ourselves the gift of time—more time to celebrate the holiday season, more time with family and loved ones, and more time to experience the joy and meaning of Christmas. With an easier pace, we can enjoy it all with less stress and fatigue.
And this change doesn’t just improve our lives; it strengthens our economy. Businesses can ease supply chains, confidently refresh inventories, and sell more gifts by Christmas Eve. Workers will enjoy a more reasonable pace too during this busiest of seasons. Families and companies alike can host more holiday events requiring decorations, food, and drinks. Best of all, you’ll have more time and money to fully participate in the most magical time of the year, creating memories with the people you love.
Who would argue against this? My opponents won’t. If they do, they’ll sound like Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol—opposed to joy, practicality, and progress. And with this as my single, focused platform, they’ll be forced to come up with a platform that’s just as bold, realistic, and doable. I doubt they can.
Oh, and because my birthday is January 10th? Let’s extend the holiday season until January 12th. That way, we can recover and begin the new year relaxed, refreshed, and ready to go.
Together, we can create a healthier, happier holiday season and a happier future too. Vote for me, COOL HAND FRANK, as your 47th President of the United States on November 7th, 2028.
